?????

I know, right? But you know how it is. Every star from Christmas Past must collaborate with the latest star on top of the game right now and let’s face it, Mariah’s been away nursing two babes on those huge knockers chock full of nutrition. It’s been awhile since we’ve heard anything from her (of which I miss very much Mariah please get on your job). I mean, besides ripping her way through fabric on a Jenny Craig commercial and into an outfit I haven’t seen anyone wear since 1999, she had to make her return to music somehow.  Right now, Justin Bieber is Mr. It so her people called his people and here I am writing this…

Christmas time is here and who does Christmas better than Mariah? Taking the track “All I Want for Christmas is You” from her 1994 Christmas album Merry Christmas and Merry Christmas II You in 2010, the music god’s decided that re-releasing it this season with Justin Bieber’s vocals on the second verse would be a good idea. Um… maybe on paper. Maybe even on wax, but ummm…

…not in a video.

The whole thing reeked of a way-too-long Macy’s department store commercial. Really. I watched it and thought, “Am I watching a music video or a Christmas commercial for Macy’s?” I’m still half expecting to see it come dancing across my flat screen right after the commercial for Kmart’s “No one does Christmas (ding-ding-dong) like Kmart does Christmas…”

But what really creeped me out (saying “creeped” sounds much cooler than “crept”) was the part where Mariah, dressed in her festive “Hit it From da Back” Santa outfit, appeared to point at a 17-year old, still under-aged Bieber as she sang in a voice much higher than his (finally), “All I want for Christmas is yoooou, baaaby!” In light of the other old woman pointing at Bieber claiming he’s her baby daddy, none of what I witnessed in that video was a good idea. They nuzzled and flirted a bit while sitting breath to breath inside a sleigh (inside of Macy’s naturally). When a small peck was exchanged, I became alarmed hoping nothing more would progress. I even crossed my fingers and prayed he didn’t sit in her lap and tell her what he wanted for Christmas because 5 seconds after he did it, the FEDS would batter ram my door, put a foot to my neck and confiscate every computer in the house looking for more child porn.

Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, the video made it painfully clear that the “Justin-Hairdo” he sported when first sweeping the music world by storm is officially a thing of the past. :(

I also put together a bullet list of other things I feel made this video absolutely excruciating to watch:

♥      The semi-Mohawk and jacket with collar popped high enough to stab him in the eye and make Elvis jealous

♥       Mariah doing her usual turning her ass to the camera while batting soft-porn worthy lashes in pretty much every shot

♥      The video being filmed inside and outside of the actual Macy’s on 34th street in New York

♥      The featuring of products being sold inside of Macy’s (I saw Nintendo twice for sure) I was  embarrassed for them

♥      Two naturally great voices succumbing to auto-tune at the beginning of the song

 

I’ve been waiting for Mariah to pull the twins off the tits and get her butt back into the studio, but I didn’t expect her to start off this way. I hope this isn’t setting the precedent for things to come. At this rate, I’m just about ready to give up on the whole institution of Christmas and just cancel the whole damned thing if it means I will no longer have to endure Justin and Mariah ever making a song together again.

I think I miss Macy Gray. She would never have done this!

Judge for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGFNmEOntFA&feature=player_embedded